Let’s be honest. Kids ask hard questions.
They do not notice when their curiosity turns our cheeks red, when good words are held captive in our throat, and when we stutter and stumble for answers we have not yet rehearsed.
It is this way with me when my son asks me the first of many hard questions, one I do not so soon expect.
What does it mean to be gay?
first hard question
He asks, innocently while digging his toe in the carpeted floor, saying he just heard it at school.
My mind, wracking and rattling about, is empty. I am live, on a stage, with lights and the probing eyes of a 7-year-old audience, and I do not know my lines.
I pray, the super quick kind, in my head, and ask Jesus to help me say it right.
I probably don’t, but my son listens, anyway. I am still speaking when he interrupts my thoughts with a random stray thought about cars, which is my cue that the conversation is now over.
It is my first experience with a hard question, but years later, there have been many more.
And I have learned [and am still learning] mostly the hard way, what not to do and what things to remember when the next hard question comes.
- You aren’t expected to answer perfectly or know everything. Really, our child just wants us to respect his curiosity, engage in a conversation, be honest.
- Boys don’t want a super long speech. He just wants to know his mom has a handle on something he doesn’t yet understand and is willing to talk to him about it. A few words with a boy go a long way.
- It’s not about you. If we remember this, numbers 1 and 2 will not be a problem. 🙂
- Curiosity is natural and not bad. A child asking questions about sex and his body and how that relates to others is innocent. It is not the same as adults having an adult discussion. [More detailed questions and knowledge of sex at an early age should be carefully looked into, but that is potentially a different issue.]
- Avoidance is not the right approach. Children ask hard questions for a reason, as their mind is trying to process something they have seen, experienced or heard. When we avoid hard questions we invalidate them and the child feels it. Age appropriate explanations are the key, but always attempt to answer even a hard question. If in doubt, be brief.
- Expect the unexpected. Though we can’t anticipate or plan for every question our child will ask [because trust me, it will be the one we don’t think of], we can ready ourselves to be asked things we’d rather not have to answer. It is why prayers for wisdom in our parenting are so important and knowing what we believe and why we believe it, based on the Word is vital as mom.
As moms, we will never escape the hard questions our children ask.
But what a privilege…that they ask us, first.
This is good! I taught 6th grade science at a local private school, which means sex ed! It was hard, but once we got going, it was okay. Hubby and I decided we wanted to develop the kind of relationship that our children can ask us about anything… nothing will freak us out or cause us to clam up. Which, of course, means talking about poop, pee, farts and boy parts more than I prefer right now, but that’s what the 2 year old is into.
One thing I learned, start with the simplest explanation. Children will ask for more information if they want it. E.g. what does it mean to be gay? Simple answer: a person is ‘gay’ (and I’d use air quotes for sure here) when they are attracted to those of the same sex, rather than opposite sex, as an adult. Our thoughts go to “what does it mean to ‘be attracted to’ and other kinds of questions, but a child might or might not want to know about that. And, having taught science to 4th, 5th, 6th and 8th grade, I’ve gotten some odd-ball questions out of left field. The key is to not freak out, don’t clam up… if you need a moment say “That’s a good question that isn’t the easiest to answer. I think….. ”
I’m glad to see this post!
God created us with a curious mind and an ever questioning perspective on life – why is it that we don’t give our children the same space and patience to ask the same hard questions that many times we have asked?! I grew up in a home where if there hard questions, they would go unanswered or there was a certain amount of shame or uncomfortable bent to the conversation and I would go elsewhere to find out the answers. It’s not about us, its about our kids exploring their world and up to us to give them at least a perspective that isn’t scary or shameful, but fact oriented. Love this post. Thank you!
i loved this. Such great reminders. I always feel so privileged when my sons come to me with those sticky questions…and then I worry that I’ll get it wrong. Great reminders here!!And you’re right–I have many times tried to go on and on when my boys are quite satisfied with a simple, (SHORT) answer. 😉 thank you!
My favorite “hard question” came at the dinner table. My husband was out of town and my 3 boys had just sat down to dinner. The oldest, about 8, looks up from his plate with “Mom, what’s a virgin.” After a very short answer, he follows up with “Are you a virgin?” Then, my 6 year old chimes in with a shocked expression, “Does Dad know?”It was definitely a praying for wisdom kind of night!
This is awesome and so freeing. My kids have asked me some really tough questions from the “what does gay mean” and even, “Does God hate gay people” to the definitions of words. We always strive for honesty and the great thing is when the truth is brutal it has actually kept them from buying into the glorification of such things. I love you and I love the MOB Society. Win/win for this boy mamma. 🙂