I played the air guitar to an amazing 80’s song in the car last night.
My teen son, the middle one, sat in the seat next to me. You would have thought I was Selena Gomez or Ariana Grande, the way he was looking at me, with eyes that smiled and said you’re awesome.
It is among my favorite things in life, when my teen boys look at me this way.
Eight Simple Things
Of course, I’m not always the cool mom. Sometimes they notice my meddling and breathe that heavy sigh and say an exasperated “Wow, thanks, mom,” when I tell them “No you can’t go to that movie with those teens whose parents I don’t know.”
But we are close. Really close. The kind of close that you hope and pray for, but aren’t sure sixteen and thirteen will allow and then are gloriously surprised when it does.
I’m grateful, every day, that among the millions of things I did wrong, the way I have purposed to stay connected to my boys has, indeed, worked. Mostly, I’m convinced that God has just been gracious and made up for my lack.
And yes, I’ve read them the Bible at night. And I pray over their bed. And I’ve had long conversations with them (longer than they prefer, trust me) to speak destiny and love into their heart and all the other good stuff moms do that is important. But you know what I’ve found?
It’s not that hard for teen boys to stay connected to their moms. A lot of simple, everyday things help a lot, with that, too.
And so, if I may, my humble offering of the fun, crazy, hard and most rewarding things I have done and continue to do as my boys grow up.
Lisa Whittle Connecting with Son
~Let them be silly, sometimes. Boys will eventually be men that have jobs and bills and families they are responsible for and lots of other heavy things on their backs. For now, let them think standing in the snow in a bathing suit flexing for a picture is awesome and grossing you out by giving you sweaty hugs after ball practice is a-ok with you. (Protest, even, for a little extra dramatic measure, which they will love.) Let them get by with some boy bathroom humor that grosses you out. They are born with this innate male need to express, for whatever crazy reason. It’s simple: just, for a few minutes in the car or wherever you are when it comes up, pretend to lose your hearing.
~Care about their interests, which means attentiveness not endurance. Trust me, they can tell the difference. When they tell you about how sick a pair of shoes is? Know that sick means amazing and nod your head in agreement. They will love you for it. When they have a ball game? Move heaven and earth to be there, even if you can’t stand baseball and don’t understand the sport. Your job is to become an expert on your child and what they love, you love too, just because they do.
~Force them to take ridiculous selfies with you. They will moan and complain, but they will secretly love you for wanting a picture with them. Also? It will prepare them for all the selfies their girlfriend will make them do in the future. 🙂
~Let them have the last bite. Like, that last bite of your favorite cheesecake in all the world–the one with the strawberry sauce dripping gloriously all over it. The last taste of heaven before you start that diet. Yep, that one. They won’t forget that mom did that for them. Their wife, should they have one in the future, will love them, but even she may not give them that last bite.
~Tuck them into bed at night, even when they are huge and tower over you. They will act like it’s unnecessary at the time, but when they ask you unexpectedly if you are going to that one night you almost forget, you will know it’s more important to them than they think.
~Have special nicknames for them that are playful and silly. Call them by those names like crazy when you are at home, but never say them in front of their friends. This is the unspoken rule of boys and moms that, when respected, helps cute mommy nicknames live on forever.
~Remind them of moments of awesome they did when they were little. Pull out a picture and tell them the coordinating story. Boys are just miniature men that need to be complimented and appreciated in order to feel fulfilled.
~Let their dad be the hero. Learn to love them in the background and seize moments but not need to be #1. Yes, even though you changed the diapers. Even though you wash the smelly clothes and wipe more noses and give more kisses and run their cleats up to the ball field numerous times when they leave them. Even though. You will win when their dad is more important.
Staying connected to our boys is a sign we have endured the mommy challenge of being different in almost every way, but understanding of the great needs and loves of their young male heart.
What both of us want.
Lisa Whittle Head shot
These things Lisa Whittle loves most: her husband, her children (3, including 2 boys), her fluffy dog who sits faithfully under her desk while she writes, and her Jesus who has made her life well. She’s authored 3 books, including her latest, {w}hole, and will release her 4th in August 2014. You can find her at www.lisawhittle.com, where she blogs less than she should, but when she does, hopes to start honest conversation.
This post is a part of our series on building relationship with our teen sons. Click here to read them all.
Teen boy 300
Love. My sweet boy isn’t quite a teen yet, but I sure am tucking this away. Thank you Lisa.
Yes, Jennifer! Keep that boy close. 🙂
So Good. So blessed! “Let them be silly sometimes” was probably most convicting… Thank you!
With you, Wendy. I have to be reminded to let them be silly sometimes, too!
Oh I love love love this! Bummer I read the ‘tuck them in bed at night’ just after my older boys tucked themselves in…(busted! :)) I won’t forget it now! And telling them stories about their awesomeness–what a brilliant idea. Of course all guys love that! Also, the final point about making dad hero–Absolutely beautiful. Thank you. I’ll be sharing this for sure!
Grateful this blessed. And don’t worry…I have lazy nights where I don’t tuck my kids in…it’s not about perfection, it’s about consistent love and presence. I’m sure you’re a great mom!
I love the ‘tuck them in bed’ too but now our boys go to bed after us so we let them tuck us in sometimes.
So now I feel super inadequate because my teen son will have NONE of this…no conversation, no sharing and ESP he des NOT want us to go to any of his sports stuff…he says that stuff is just for him and he wants no part of us being there. Breaks my heart..when he was little we went to everything…now that he is 17 and a star athlete he would die if we went to any of his stuff. Says we can come to graduation but he doesn’t want us near anything else.
Lynn…so sorry this has made you feel inadequate — was certainly not my intention. The things I share here have been my experience, but everyone has different family dynamics and unique personalities in children. Hopefully there is some nugget you can use, moving forward with your son. Thanks for sharing!
Lynn, go anyway. Don’t ask him and don’t make a big deal about it, but go. Sometimes they are confused about what they want and one day he will thank you for making the effort even when he was pushing you away. He can’t be allowed to dictate if you are in his life or not at this age. Trust me.
I hear you and believe me…we have tried. He just reacts very strongly in the negative and now my husband doesn’t even want to go and I just feel left out. Don’t understand it and if I was another parent looking at me I would think “what is that parents problem…they are the parent…” . Also he is the 4th of my 5 kids and I know how these years go so fast and I know that the closeness we had will never be there again as life takes over and he moves on to college and post college life. High school goes in the blink of an eye and then…they are gone. You don’t get that time back.
I was the kid who didn’t like my parents at my sporting events…and we were and are amazingly close and always have been. Please do not take it personally and don’t force it. For me, my sports were just that…Mine! I wasn’t embarrassed of them (they even chaperoned my dances) at all. It is hard to explain but it was my time, my thing, my accomplishments and my independence and I appreciate my parents so much for respecting that. Try to get close to them in other ways. You could even say, “how bout I come to 1 game?” That’s a good compromise. One of my sons is very private and we have found that nighttime dog walks are what we do together.
Thank you for your reply Trish. Light at the end of the tunnel? It’s been a LONG tunnel.
Would love to hear about how to stay connected when they go off to college.
I’m struggling with this one too especially since he is also in love with a girl who I don’t particularly think is well suited for him. 🙁 I was so close to him when he was a kid and he didn’t date in high school so I was still the most important woman in his life through those years, but it is so hard now.
This is a very hard one. You cannot control who they fall in love with..I remember my Mom telling me (a million years ago when I was a teen) that she thought this or that boy would be good match for me and I was appalled. Looking back on it all these years later…my Mom was right
Love these blogs. I emotionally list my eldest son and now raising his son, now a teenager and these little ideas, reminders bring me to the present with my grand-boyson . Being present. Thank you
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I love this except for the “let dad be the hero” part. What about the single single and divorced moms? The ones with sons that will grow up with an uninvolved dad? Can anyone speak from experience about how to handle that?
Crying. Please pray for my grieving heart as I feel so disconnected from my boys, especially my oldest. They are 16 and 13 and for the last 10 years I’ve battled leukemia 3 times with 2 transplants and now I’ve just been diagnosed with a progressive multiple sclerosis. I feel I’ve lost so much. Pray for a rekindling of joy in my 16 year old. Friends tell me that the moodiness, independence (or is it detachment?) and lack of interest are normal teenage things, but I feel a heavy burden with all I’ve been through and how much my vision for our family has had to change.
Makes me cry(I hide it though) when my kids tell me i’m a bummer just because i’m honest.