Dear MOB Society – He’s a handful, and it’s hard, and I just get so angry. I see the hurt in his eyes when I yell, when I clap my hands in frustration, and it tears my heart apart. I feel like such a failure. Can you help?
I stomped to the sink and threw the bowl hard onto the counter. Pureed avocado splashed up, splaying across the back splash, the window, my cheek. Letting out a growl, I whirled around to face the drooling, chubby, fireball of a boy and caught myself, my hands shaking in frustration. He was 9 months old.
My anger was ridiculous and misplaced. I knew it, and immediately a deep sense of remorse and regret washed over me. How could I possibly get so angry over his refusal to eat?
This was the first time I dipped my toe in the hot, bubbling waters of mom-guilt over my quick temper. As my feisty firstborn grew, it became apparent that he shared my ability to fly off the handle swiftly over matters of little importance, which only added to my own inner shame. I watched him struggle with anger, saw the way his outbursts so vividly mirrored my own, and I wallowed in my sense of failure.
I knew that it was my job as Mom to stay in control. I understood that I needed to be the one to model self-control to him, and yet…
Day after day, I felt like he was pushing my buttons on purpose just to see me explode. It all came to a head two years ago. We were four months into a big move. I was alone, without any friends, homeschooling for the first time, and my husband was unhappy in his work. Life was stressful, and I felt like I was drowning.
All I wanted was to get through this one simple grammar lesson.
When he refused, I felt it. The heat and the anger beginning to bubble. Taking deep breaths, I pressed forward, and on he pushed. He squirmed and whined and talked, his words laced with disrespect, and I snapped. Grabbing the notebook I lifted it up over my head and slammed it on the table as he flinched and covered his head with his hands.
He ran to his bedroom in tears, and I fell to my knees.
In those first quiet moments I feared that I had done irreparable harm. Our relationship would never again be the same. I broke trust and my tears spilled hot and heavy.
I’m so thankful for a God who meets me in the midst of my mess and holds each weighted tear in the palm of His Hand. By His mercy, that was not the end of the story (<<—Tweet that!), because while I may have modeled a quick temper that day, I also had the opportunity to model repentance. With tears in my eyes, I asked for my son’s forgiveness, and he quickly offered it.
It’s been two years since that day, and my first born can still push me to the brink on any given day. He struggles with his own anger issues, and my husband and I are constantly training him through his frustration. This is a sin pattern that has been passed to him, but I cannot, and will not, bear the weight of that in guilt.
This is the way that God will refine and use my son, just as He has refined and used me.
Some tools for dealing with anger:
– Prayer. There is absolutely no substitute for coming before the Lord and relinquishing your desire for control. When the emotions begin to rise, get alone, even if it’s just for a few minutes, and lay it all out before Him.
– Call a friend. Sometimes you just need to vent it all out.
– Call your husband. I have found that when my children are particularly ornery, it’s best to just hand them over to their father. This has several added benefits. First, I don’t have to be the bad guy. Second, they know it’s bad when we have to call dad, and this quickly shapes up everyone for the rest of the day. Third, I’m able to keep my emotions in check because my husband can handle the issue while I tuck into a corner and pray.
If you’re struggling, dear mom, you must understand that your anger does not define you as a mother. God, in His infinite grace and mercy, is ready and willing to supply you with all you need to make it through your days, when the little ones push and test and siphon off the tiny shred of sanity you have left.
When anger bubbles hot, hold onto to the hope that God gives freely – the hope of redemption, of restoration, of self-control, and of unending grace. “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.” Psalm 103:8
This post is part of our first series of 2014, Hope for the Messiness of Motherhood. Find all of the posts in this series here.
Thank you for this! I grew up in a home where my mother was always angry (it seemed.) Nothing we did was enough and I can see how it shaped me. I struggle with the sin pattern now but I vowed to be the last of that sin! God is working on me when I interact with my 20 month old son and some days you wonder if you have changed…so grateful for that mercy!
You and me both! Thanks for sharing Jacy!
Thank you for writing about this! I think so many of us struggle with this sin and don’t talk about it because we feel like monsters sometimes, but hiding it in makes it worse! I just finished reading Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst and it was so helpful. Let’s keep talking about the things we struggle with and lift each other up as we fight to be better mamas!
Meg, I loved Unglued too! It was SO helpful. And I think you’re right, talking about our struggles openly helps us edify one another because we know we’re not alone, and gives us strength to try again!
Thanks for the comment, Meg! I haven’t read Unglued, but it sounds like it would be a great encouragement to me. And I agree – talking about the hard things unites us and lets us know we’re not alone!
read Unglued – it’s amazing!
I have felt for a long time that when I try harder, I mess up more in this area. I hate that but I will not give up!! The Holy Spirit has changed me and will continue to do so until completion.
Yes. This is an area that, for me, takes constant surrender!
My mom was a screamer when I was growing up. She had gone through years of physical and emotional abuse from her mother and just never learned how to deal with her anger, so naturally, it all came out when her kids didn’t do what she wanted or what she thought they should be doing. I’ve a wonderful relationship with her now and God has done much healing in our mother/daughter relationship but I must say that there wasn’t much grace given from my mom when I was growing up.
Having grown up with a mom having anger issues, of course, I’ve had my own anger issues that seem to be a natural instinct for me. Dealing with my anger in a positive way has ALWAYS been a goal of mine, especially since I found out I was pregnant with my first. Now my firstborn is 2 1/2 and there have been so many times that I’ve lost my cool and I can just see the devastation on his face when I raise my voice or blow up in his direction. I’ve noticed that his behavior mimics my own and that has been even more motivation for me to seek God through my anger issues and be more patient and loving, being a reflection of God’s character, in raising my son.
I can’t wait to read more from this series and be encouraged by the raw emotions and stories from other moms. Thanks for your transparency and for answering God’s call to help other moms like me!
Thank you for sharing your journey, Alisha! It is always my deepest prayer that the Lord will restore and heal any damage that I have done in my own sin. Our children are His before ours – so much peace in knowing that!
Oh friend, I can relate. And yet God, in His mercy. Yes. Compassionate. Gracious. Slow to anger. Abounding in love. And much prayer that He will use my family to make me more like Him. Thank you for sharing so openly that we all can know we’re not alone, and we can be found by God’s mercy again and again. Much love to you, friend…xo
Thank you, Jacque. Sending love right back your way. 🙂
Thank you! I struggle too with this and believe that the guilt that comes from it far out weighs that of anything I’ve experienced! I needed this upliftment!
[…] Day 2 – When Mom Gets So Angry […]
awesome!!! I struggle with anger and i see it in my kids as well so often I feel like I have ruined them!!! Thank u for this post!!.
I started noticing over the years that when I feel myself starting to lose it, my husband is calm as a cucumber and I can give myself a time-out. And vice versa, when he’s maxed out, I can step in. I’m so thankful that God has bolstered us as parents by making us a team.
I think every parent, at one time or another, finds themselves bubbling over with an anger they didn’t know they could feel…somehow our kids can draw it out of us! But how we deal with it – I will often put myself in time out when I feel overwhelmed with the boys, or go for a walk. Thanks for tackling a tough subject with honesty and grace!
Thank you so much for writing about this! What an awesome God we have that gives us people that can write so eloquently and touch others hearts! It’s like you knew that I needed this right now, but I know it’s just a God thing!
Having grown up with a verbally abusive mother and being a pseudo parent to both her and my sister I have had many buttons pushed raw by my past. Now having two beautiful boys I find those same buttons being pushed by my 3 year old son. The biggest difference is he’s 3 and now I AM the parent. I now have the chance to make a change in his life. I can help him to grow up and be a man of God! It still hurts when I think if the time I yelled at him because he wouldn’t listen for the bazillionth time and I saw the fear in his eyes. I realized that I could easily do what my mom did to me. I don’t want to be my child’s nightmare. I can make a million excuses why I can’t control my temper…he should just listen, my husband works nights, I’m exhausted from work. The list goes on and on, but when it comes down to it there are now excuses.
By God’s amazing grace, He will always be there when I am at my wits end and He will hold me up when my patience is gone. Now to just hear that still small voice over the anger boiling then by golly I might have it!
Thanks for sharing.
Oh. How refreshing to hear other moms….Christian moms….who struggle with anger, lashing out, yelling, just “losing it” with their children. It’s so encouraging to read your comments, personal experiences, scriptures, and prayers. THANK YOU for lifting me up today. You’re all awesome. God Bless You.
I battle my anger daily. Homeschooling 3 and a very busy and sassy 3 year old, the days quickly turn sour.. .thank you for being transparent and for reminding me if God’s Grace in my mess.
I feel so encouraged reading this article and the comments, knowing that Christian moms deal with anger like I do and some are having victory over it. I have a 2 1/2 year old energetic and strong willed boy and a beautiful 4 month old little girl. As my boy has gotten older and started exhibiting independence and defiance, I have found myself seriously struggling with anger. I blow my top way too easily and although my son is always quick to forgive when I ask, it is unacceptable the way I lash out at him. I do not manage stress well. I know that I can have victory over this struggle through Christ & the help of the Holy Spirit, but it is so HARD and I feel so alone among the group of moms that I hang out with as no one seems to deal with anger towards their kids or at least they don’t admit to it.