The Teen Boy Eye-roll

By on October 11, 2011 in Raising Older Boys

I saw it about four times today while I was shopping—the teenage eyeroll.   I’ve been the recipient of it, too and, surprisingly, it was in the same context I saw it today.

 Mom, holding her phone, asks the son a question.

He responds, pointing quickly at buttons on the phone.

She looks at him, puzzled, and opens her mouth to ask another question.

Then…wait for it—the eyeroll. It happens as he reaches for her cell phone with a sigh that says, “I’ll just do it myself.”

For a while, I just put up with the eyeroll. But it was strange; I felt our roles reverse. My mind went back to the preschool years. I went through all the mental images and stories in my mind, searching for Mom in the midst of an eyeroll.

Nope. Nothing.

So as my son reached for my phone (or laptop or mp3 player), I looked at him and said, “Look, I really appreciate your help. I’m just learning this thing and I do want to learn it. But I don’t appreciate your attitude when I ask for help.”

Another slight eyeroll and shake of the head. “Sorry, Mom,” he said reluctantly.

 “No, wait a minute. You know, when you were learning your ABCs, I don’t recall ever ripping the pencil from your hand, rolling my eyes, and saying, ‘Oh, just let me do it.’ Do you?”

He grinned. A little.

 “If I had, would you ever have learned to write yourself? So let me learn.”

Now he smiled a real smile. “Okay, Mom. I get it.”

Lessons in respect don’t stop when they’re teens. Sometimes we have to reinforce daily, in small ways.

And without eyerolls.

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The Teen Years With Your Son: A Delicate Balance

By on September 16, 2011 in Raising Older Boys

I’ve never parented a girl through the teen years, but I can tell you that mothering a boy through them can be a roller coaster.

I did it and survived—four times!

So hang on. Get prayed up and put your patience hat on. And know you’re not alone.

One way to lessen the anxiety is to keep a good communication balance during your son’s teen years.

Know that there are times to talk, times to listen, and times to be glad for the silence—even if it’s sullen silence. Don’t expect him to talk when he’s upset or his pride’s been wounded, or even when he’s just having a bad day.

But be available to listen. You can’t force him to talk; you’ll just make him dig his heels in deeper. Be patient, loving, and don’t give up. Fix him some food. Sit at the table with him and wait for him to talk. (Food works for my boys. Alone, with me and food, they spill their guts.)

Don’t talk him to death. Put your two cents in and stop. End with some love or encouragement, even if he doesn’t seem in the mood to hear that. Chances are, he’s just waiting for someone to affirm him, even when he’s at his worst. Think about it—the people who love us when we’re unlovely, really love us. So, show him that.

Communicate your love for him through your actions. Even if his arms are crossed and his face is set in a scowl, give him a quick hug. Bake his favorite cookies and send a little love his way.

Make sure home is a haven—a safe place. Demand respect for one another in the family, brother to brother and across the board. Our teen sons have enough to deal with out there in the world; home should be a place where they know they’re loved and safe and graced. No matter what happens out there, here at home, we’re for you.

Some days will be a breeze and a joy; other days, you’ll feel like you’re walking a tightrope with no net. Again, know you’re not alone. Find community, someone to talk to who has been there or is walking the same road. Turn to your Heavenly Father, for He holds all the power—to help your son, to calm your heart.

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Leading With a Servant Heart

By on August 17, 2011 in a mother's heart, growing godly men

Do your sons know what it’s like to be a leader? It can be a balancing act, fostering young leaders while cultivating a servant heart. But our boys need to learn how to lead biblically, so they should understand how to have a servant heart.

 How does that happen in a bunch of boys? Here are a few practical tips:

 1. Give everyone a chance to lead—at something. The older boys learn to take a back seat once in a while, reinforcing humility and patience. The big ones may think it’s dumb to play a kindergartner’s game when they can sit down to Monopoly, but taking turns as the “chooser” (the leader of the game) helps reinforce the teamwork of your family.

 It’s much easier to follow a leader who has been where you are. When your oldest son plays preschool games with the little one, it says, “You’re younger than me, but you’re worth it.”

Those lessons translate outside the family when your son shows a balance between leading and following, when he accepts authority but also accepts the mantle of leadership when it’s passed to him.

2. Give your boys a chance to lead and serve outside the family. Ultimately, they’re going to face the world outside our bubble. They need to understand, at age-appropriate times, that God called them to be a leader to those who don’t know Him yet. So let them get to know people who may be different from them—in looks, location, language. Visit the neighbors who speak little English; let your sons serve by taking their mail to them or bringing cookies. Pack the boys in the van went you drop off clothing at an inner city shelter or let them help you make sandwiches at the homeless center. Then let them know they’re setting an example for others to follow—they’re being servant leaders.

As believers, we have the best servant model ever—the One who “made Himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant” (Phil 2:7).

As you work together as a team with a servant heart, you’ll not only be teaching your boys how to be the best kind of leader, you’ll show those around you a spirit of unity, “so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Rom. 15:6).

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Integrity and Hugs

By on July 18, 2011 in a mother's heart, growing godly men

Sometimes it seems like an uphill battle. We talk about telling the truth, and…they don’t. We read stories about being kind, and…behind our backs, they clobber their brothers. If integrity is what I’ve heard it defined as—who you are when no one is looking—well, looking or not, it’s not looking so good some days.

What do we do? Keep plodding onward. Keep loving and encouraging and praising, even for the small victories. They’re kids; they’re not mini adults. And let’s face it, even the adults in their lives are far from perfect, right? That doesn’t mean we excuse their behavior away, but we balance discipline with love; we praise and encourage them for the smallest success, we give them hope.

It’s so easy to think that our discipline, our method is what will engrain integrity in our boys’ lives. Dare we take away the heavenly factor? Do we think we can do it without Him? And do we think we know His timetable?

As moms, we plant seeds, and we dare not neglect the seeds of integrity—through stories and talks and prayer. But we wait and we tend them patiently, trusting Him for the harvest. It won’t come at the same age for all our boys, but it’s His timetable, not ours.

And the hardship that goes along with all of this? It’s not a bad thing. Take a look at  Romans 5:3-5. That suffering brings some good stuff.  

3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Along the road, they’ll stumble—some more than others. Some will pitch headlong down into the gully, but we must reach out to pull them back, with an admonition but always with a hug.

So keep on, Mom. Put one foot in front of the other as we climb that hill with our boys, talking about integrity as we go.

And keep a hug of hope in your back pocket.

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