No one told me Year Four was going to be so incredibly difficult.
I had heard all about the “terrible twos”. The tantrums, the screaming, the stubbornness. Finding their independence.
But year four? Ugh. I was not prepared.
After a somewhat uneventful year three, I was looking forward to Year Four. He was (finally) potty trained, dressing and feeding himself, and heading to Pre-school. I thought he would be a bit less dependent on me, I thought that I might just BE ABLE TO COME UP FOR AIR.
Independence came, alright, but along with it came a strong will. Defiance. Disrespect. Power struggles. Direct disobedience.
I found myself in shouting matches WITH MY FOUR YEAR OLD. Seriously? It was like this out-of-body experience. I felt so completely out of control.
I never thought I would be “one of those parents”. That mom that yelled at her little ones, who ignored them, who wanted to get away every chance she could get.
Boy ,WAS I WRONG.
I can not count how many times I asked “WHY?!”. Why does he have to be so difficult? Why can’t he just OBEY? Why can’t he play by himself? God, why did you give me such a difficult child? All asked through tears of frustration and defeat; sometimes aloud through screaming.
Year Four was an incredibly defeating time for me (all the while having a toddler underfoot, pregnant with my third, and incredibly fearful of how much worse things would become). My selfishness and anger surfaced. Junk inside of me that I never knew was there. It was hard to find hope amidst the struggle and, in my shortsightedness, difficult to find purpose in these battles.
But God.
In His abundant grace (after I finished throwing my own tantrums) granted me REPENTANCE. I saw the reality of my sin like never before. Utter need for divine change, not for my four-year old, but FOR ME.
Left alone, I drift towards selfishness. I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I don’t want the demands of others to de-tract me from my plans. Without these “trials”, struggling with my demanding four-year-old, I would drift. Disengage from this great responsibility and privilege of being a momma that He has charged me with. Depart from the One who gives me all I need. Ignore The Word that shows me The Way, Truth, and Life.
I don’t want to disengage. I WANT to be his momma; I want to be a GOOD momma. But I can not be the momma I want to be on my own. It has become clear to me that God gave me this demanding, selfish, whiny four-year-old to show me just how much he was like His momma, and how much we BOTH need Christ.
My son is now well into year five, and at a much more congenial age. Yet, I know that there are hard stages for him on the horizon (as well as for his two siblings tumbling towards their own difficulties). After learning the lesson of Year Four, by God’s grace, I will enter into the next difficult season with a bit more clarity; these difficulties have purpose.
Year Four was there to make me a better momma; keep me from disengaging; keep me from departing from Christ and His Word. Hard times are for my own good and His glory, as they save me from my selfishness and drive me to the grace of Christ.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
James 1:2-4 ESVAnd I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:6 ESV
So what about you, are you to Year Four yet? Or maybe you are at a different hurdle I have yet to jump. How have you seen the Lord use the hard times of motherhood to drive you to Him?
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Pastor’s wife, and mother of three, Katie Orr loves to teach God’s Word. Longing to equip others to walk with the Lord for a lifetime, Katie has discipled women and taught small group Bible studies for over thirteen years. She served on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ for seven years, before God called their family to pastoral ministry. She blogs at Do Not Depart, where you can receive encouragement and tools to abide in God’s Word.
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Songs for Saplings is the perfect way to get more of the Word in your house – especially during difficult times like “Year Four!” Encouragement for mom as well as the boys!
THank you so much for sharing this! I am dealing with some very difficult things with my three year old boy. Everything you mentioned above resonated with me. Your encouragement was incredibly helpful. Thank you!
Taylor´s last [type] ..Fun at the FARM!
I am so glad, Taylor!
Glad to know I am not alone.
Year 3 for our middle son is a bear. I don’t remember our oldest having such a difficult year 3. But this one…. whew! Tantrums, disobedience, aggressiveness, highly spirited. It seems that everytime I pick him up from either a church event or a sitters, something has happened – he has been hurt by another kid, he has hurt another kid, he hasn’t obeyed, he broke a rule. It has really be getting me down and is about to break my heart. I know that he feels the “squeeze” of being a middle child but I just can’t seem to get enough time alone with him – we have a kindergarten almost-6 year old boy and a 1-year old boy that also need a lot of time and attention.
However, this line spoke to me:
But God.
I so totally need that reminder this morning as I prepare to face another busy, stressful, hectic week with them. I definitely need to work on that plank in my own eye before I can guide him in getting the speck out of his eye.
I am so overwhelmed by thankfulness this morning that I am forgiven and that His mercies are new. Every morning.
Thank you for your words and honesty.
“I am so overwhelmed by thankfulness this morning that I am forgiven and that His mercies are new. Every morning.”
Love this truth!
Katie @ Do Not Depart´s last [type] ..Toolbox Tuesday – Bible Versions
All you have to do is adopt them when they’re about 8. They’re already sleeping through the night, AND potty trained. However, they do come with different problems . . .
I must remain close to the Lord, or we won’t make it. I am forced to rely on Him to be kind to the boys through me, because I certainly don’t have it in me to do it myself.
Yes yes and yes!!!! Thank you for making me feel less alone and, well, crazy.
The hardest thing for me was that my first son is the easiest child known to man. Calm, respectful, obedient, compliant, selfless. So when I had my next son I felt like I was the perfect mom and didn’t need to change my parenting at all. What’s that saying, “pride comes before a fall?” Ha! I’ve fallen so far I can’t get up! I try every day to see my 4 yr old’s character traits as tools that will serve him well in the future, IF I can teach him self-control. If he’s anything like his mama then the stubborn nature is what will see him through any trial this life can throw at him! Stay the course my friends!
thank you so much for this good word. i feel like this is where i’m at with my 3 year old, and have had almost the exact thoughts about the correlation to myself! glad to hear that it’s not something i’m alone in, but that we can support each other.
my dear.. I feel you! I have one right now that is what you mentioned above. Strong willed etc.. to the T. He is my 6 1/2 year old.
It’s tough. On the days that I have found difficult I have found that one, I am usually doing things on my own will and not asking the Lord for help. two. I wasn’t being consistant with my “threats of discipline”.
It’s a tough road. God has blessed these boys with their personalities. We just need to take them and point them in the way of the Lord!
Bless you! The Lord will give you grace on those tough days!
Gah! You just described the last 24 hours at my house. Disobedient. Aggression. Stubbornness.
Last night I found myself in tears in utter defeat begging God to give me strength to get through this time in my 4 yo’s life. I know this is just a moment in my Little Man’s life. I know it’s just a moment in mine, too.
Just trying to take each day with grace, faith and His love. I am humbled that each day is an opportunity to begin anew….
In the movie Ever After, there is a point when Danielle simply prays, “Lord, give me strength.” I have used that prayer over and over as I deal with my boys!
3 was always the worst year for each of my guys, although 6 has been pretty difficult for my middle. My youngest is 4 and super clingy. He won’t ever give me the personal space I need!
When I can’t stand to be around them, but have no choice, I stop and pray that simple prayer. I refocus on God and not so much on the situation at hand. It’s always enough to get me through the immediate crisis!
I’ve also learned to read a little from the Bible before going to bed. God’s word washes all the ick of the day away, so I can truly rest and start the next day with a clean slate and a clean attitude.
Rachel @ the science of music´s last [type] ..Christmas break…
I have a 4 yo that keeps me in constant prayer – I fairly often ask with great fear some of those same questions…. Because I know so often if I see something in the boys I don’t like, it’s probably present in me in some capacity.
“Lord, we’re cast on you.”
I wanted to cry while reading this today. Only my son is 14 (which by the way is shockingly similar to having a 4-year-old again). “Defiance. Disrespect. Power struggles. Direct disobedience.” That is where we are at today. I hate that it brings out the worst in me. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for reminding me how much we both need grace.
You are welcome, Mindy.
{Lord, give us grace so that we can pour it on our sons, whether they be 4 or 14. This is so hard. Give us patience!}
Katie @ Do Not Depart´s last [type] ..Toolbox Tuesday – Bible Versions
I’m in the midst of year four with my second child and a third on the way. It is trying alot of the times and I often have my own fits, but God graciously allows me to see how He is working in that little boys heart and mind and I am amazed.
My first son (out of four boys and then two girls) was a very difficult child. He was a high energy todder and an uncontrollable preschooler.
Swimming saved us both! Once he battled with that water for a couple of hours a few days a week, he was much, much easier to handle. I highly recommend getting rambunctious boys into some kind of age group swim program as soon as possible. It’s good for them, it burns off tons of energy and once their fatigued- they are so much easier to handle!
Elena´s last [type] ..My Daily Domestic Clips 12-14-2010 am
What a fun idea! I could have used this. I think part of our difficulty of year four was me being pregnant, tired, and unable to do much, so poor Kenneth was stuck at home a lot. I think you are right in seeing the connection between the ability to burn energy, and the ability to obey a bit better. I think these boys just have so much energy pent up inside, that they are not sure what to do with it all!
Katie @ Do Not Depart´s last [type] ..Toolbox Tuesday – Bible Versions
Felt like this was written just for me!
We are heading straight into the fourth year this week.. and boy is this more difficult than the second/third years! God has been faithful to show me He is working in my little guy’s life, and mine also when I slow down enough to let Him work! That’s my goal for 2011
Boy, this post speaks to me right now. My older son just turned 4 a few weeks ago, and I was just commenting to my husband that I don’t understand where the whining and the moping and fussing has come from the last month or two! He WAS my bright and early cheerful one. My sunny one. My special momma’s boy. Now he’s like that with everyone else and I get the whining, clinging, pouting boy.
I think God is reminding me to love them for who they are, not how they are. And giving me the chance to practice patience! I hope this is just a stage!
Jamie (va_grown)´s last [type] ..Some Hard Won Sewing Wisdom
“I think God is reminding me to love them for who they are, not how they are.”
What a great reminder!
Katie @ Do Not Depart´s last [type] ..Toolbox Tuesday – Bible Versions
Thank you for this post. As always on MOB, I read it and think, “I’m not the only one!” Thanks for the perspective and encouragement.
Courtney´s last [type] ..Tuesdays To Do -Clean Water
Thank you for this post! We’re in the middle of year #4 with our oldest son. It is such a roller coaster! But I am constantly learning through him. God is so faithful to humble me gently by reminding me that I am not much different than a selfish child at times. I am thankful for those lessons. So thankful for my faithful, gracious and ever so patient heavenly Father.
Emily´s last [type] ..He is the One