The most effective sex education takes place when parents talk with -not to- their children about sexuality related issues in an authentic manner. {The Purity Code by Jim Burns}
One of the most difficult and awkward subjects for me to talk to my boys about is sex. I know I am not alone in this. We are mama’s. There is not a fiber of my being that wants to think about my child “doing it” with anyone. In fact, there is a big part of this mama’s heart that wants to lock them in a closet until they are 30+ and I am dying for a grandbaby to love on.
But, that attitude is not realistic, healthy or helpful in the parenting process. Research shows that we should start talking to our kids about sex when they are between five and seven years old {visit Focus on the Family for more statistics and resources}. No matter how I feel about broaching this topic, I simply must. We have to be realistic as parents, especially in 2010. Our kids are facing things much earlier in childhood then we did, even just one generation ago. What used to happen in high school now happens in middle school and part of our job as parents is to be the one our kids hear things from, rather than their peers, school or youth group.
Let me share a little from Romans 1 with you about the consequences of living impure lives. I know that I do not want God to give my boys over to the lusts of their flesh. That alone is motivation for me to tackle the talk anytime I need to.
For since the creation of the world, God’s invisible qualities- His eternal power and divine nature- have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. (verse 20) Therefore, God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie…(verses 24, 25a) Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. (verse 28) Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them (verse 32). {emphasis mine}
If we avoid tackling the talk with our boys, avoid having frank and straight forward discussions about intimacy, abstinence, purity and the divine nature of sex in marriage, we are abandoning them to the lie that the enemy perpetrates throughout the world. The lie that sex is no big deal, that you are a “prude” if you don’t adopt the progressive attitudes of our society, that our bodies are our own to do with as we wish- LIES!
We need to ask ourselves as mom’s: what lies have we bought in to about sex? Are we in danger of passively allowing those lies to be believed by our boys?
Next month, we will begin to dive into “the talk” for each stage of boyhood. Please let me know if you have questions for specific age groups so I can be sure to address them.
How have you tackled “the talk?” Have specific questions about doing it?
Related posts:
My big question is how to approach the “M” word with young boys (my oldest is only 4). We haven’t gotten there yet, but I am dreading it. I desire so much for them to be pure. And yet I don’t want them to feel ashamed at the “normal” urges of their bodies. Thank you for approaching this subject.
I agree with Emily, self-pleasure is a huge problem and it is often at the root of pornography. Also, I would like to know how moms can be involved. I feel strongly that 80-90% of their information and discussions should be with Dad but I want to know how to handle situations like self-pleasure and such. I want to be prepared if I find myself in a situation.
I am so thankful that my husband has tackled this subject, including the “M” word, with my now 10-year old son. He was 7 when they went to Sonic one night and had “the talk.” It’s funny, because any time we’re talking in code about something and Kiddo wants to know what it is, all we have to say is “Sonic!” and he’s all…”Oooookaaaayyyy…gotta go!” It’s hilarious.
Seriously, though, I’m so very thankful that my husband is willing to talk to him. Kiddo is so shy about it with me that he’d DIE of embarrassment if he had to talk about it with me. Posting about how to talk to them as mothers is such a good idea. Knowing how we want him to treat women in the future, I know I will be called upon to broach the subject at some point. And I don’t have a clue how to! : )
Heathahlee´s last [type] ..Funky Crow
My oldest is 12 and this is certainly something I have avoided for a few years now! I appreciate your input and experience and look forward to what you share with us! I know it’s something we MUST deal with as soon as possible! (Prayers appreciated!)
Mandy´s last [type] ..Stories of Labor for Labor Day
There are many resources out there to help with the talk. For young men there is the book “Every Young Man’s Battle” by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker http://www.shopfamilylife.com/every-young-mans-battle.html
also for starting with your preschooler you can use the God’s Design for Sex series found here:
http://www.navpress.com/series/SR1022/Gods-Design-for-Sex
As a mom of one teenage boy and teen & tween girls, I have had the talk several times. I continue to have the talk with every opportunity that becomes available. Not to drill anything in them but to continue the conversation so they don’t feel uncomfortable with the subject. I watch tv with my kids and if something comes up we use it as a teachable moment.
I have been reading a series of books that address lots of different topics starting at a young age and then dealing with things age appropriate. I am a single mom, so it is up to me to have this talk with the boys. At first I was nervous, but I see this as a benefit, as I hope that it will help them be comfortable having frank discussions about these topics with their wives.
This is so extremely important. I second the other Kelly’s suggestion of the book, Every Young Man’s Battle. We can’t pretend like masturbation, pornography and all manner of sexual activity that will face our kids in their lives don’t exist. One of the things I liked the most about Stephen Arterbaum’s book is that it calls things what they are and calls what is sin, sin. Even as Christians we spend so much time and energy excusing things whether it’s sexually related or not and we need to be grace filled and compassionate definitely but also not to be lax on sinful behavior particularly in our own lives but also when people are practically begging for lines to be drawn we can’t be all wishy washy about things.
Kelly
Kelly´s last [type] ..father & son
Between five and seven, huh? Also I agree that calling it “the talk” doesn’t mean it needs to happen once and then you’re done. It should be an ongoing conversation, and should be something you aren’t embarrassed or uncomfortable about. I want my boys to feel like they can talk to me about anything and I won’t freak out or get all nervous. Even masturbation (yeah, I’m not big on euphemisms or code words). I don’t think it should be mostly dad’s job, I think they need both of us to talk about sex with them regularly.
MainlineMom´s last [type] ..Top Ten Reasons To Love College Football Season
My husband also tackled the talk early – on an ongoing basis. His goal was to tell them everything – and I do mean everything – before they heard it in the locker room. If they asked a question, he answered it, and then offered a bit more information. He didn’t want them to start wondering and go off asking the wrong person – or looking in the wrong places.
One example of when it paid off: Once, when our oldest was in 6th grade, a classmate was asking all the others in the class if they’d ever had a 69. Our neighbor’s son admitted that yes, once he had – on a math test. The ridicule he faced sent him into the bathroom sobbing – an double embarrassment.
When poor child’s mother told me what happened, I questioned our son. Had he been asked the question, too? “Sure. I told him to get a life.”
“Did you know what it meant?”
“Of course I did.” And he made a gesture that let me know he knew. (shudder)
“HOW did you know?!!”
“Dad told me.”
It’s hard to know when, though, and not be *too* early. Still, I think if their innocence is to be lost, better it be done in the safety of the home than in the spotlight of middle school – or earlier.
Bottom line – Pray for wisdom!
Oh thanks so much for this. I love all the comments. I have a 4th grade son, so I need all the help and advice I can get. The short story is that we had the “talk” — how babies are made — when he was a couple years younger. But since then, nothing really about purity, sex, etc. so I am really curious where to go next. Also, as much as I love my husband, I know in reality that this talk will likely fall on MY shoulders, at least at the spiritual level. So I need your prayers and wisdom.
Melissa, thanks so much for reaching out to me! You are a God send. Look forward to more radical posts together.
Susan DiMickele´s last [type] ..Early Bird Or Night Owl
I know it shouldn’t, be the whole subject scares me!!! I’m a single mom and I know I’m the one that is gonna have to have the talk. I’ve purchased “Passport to Purity” and going to go over it w my 11 year old daughter this summer and after reading these comments I guess I need to go ahead and listen to it with my 9 year old son.
Pray, pray, pray…….I’ve already caught him hiding an “underware advertisement” and he got in BIG trouble but I tried over and over to make sure the BIG trouble was over “lying”, I understand that he is curious and that God made him that way so he’d want to get married but save his eyes for his partner. We don’t have TV in our house but even the videos that his father let’s him watch shocks me for example: Free Willy II, in one part the boy is talking about kissing and the adult says “it leads to sex” and the comment is made in a laughing manner….Uuuuurrrrggggg!!!!! I’ve told my son so many times to save kissing and touching for marriage but he wants to kiss sooooo bad and it’s even more discouraging when the “Christians” at church are all talking about it! I KNOW I CAN NOT EXPLAIN M OR 69 TO MY SON…..I thank God for Christian material to help me out! Thanks for your articles!!!! and suggested reading!