It’s hot and muggy; throngs of people crowding the walkways and shuffling from one ride to another. Everyone’s jostling for position in tree-shaded lines offering small bits of respite from the glaring sun and endless walking. Excitement and laughter floats in the air and smiles abound as parents hold the sweet hands of their children sticky with cotton candy and ice cream.
I glance around, envious. I keep telling myself to enjoy the day, enjoy the vacation, enjoy my son. But this momma heart is weary and tired and filled to the brim with “Why do things have to be this way?”
Today, I am the love-torn momma who can’t reach her child.
My son is having a challenging day; one of the days where his ADHD seems to smother any semblance of a calm existence. He’s running wild, not obeying, crashing into other people and things. I’m chasing after him telling him over and over to be still, be calm, don’t hurt yourself or anyone else. A constant litany of talking back and patient words in reply, trying to sooth, trying to refocus.
It’s not working today.
I catch myself thinking these thoughts as tears start to well up, chastise myself for feeling sorry for myself, pray to God desperately to take away my spirit of frustration, replace it with a spirit of joy, take a deep breath, try again.
My son runs up, yanks me over to another ride. It’s one of those seemingly unstable kiddie rides with seats shaped like a tea cup. I grimace as I climb in, trying to fit myself into the small, cramped space, thinking it’s just like the narrow path I’ve been called to live. I feel like it can’t contain me, feel like I can’t breathe, as I hunker down on the seat. No sweet anticipation today; I’m focused on myself. My son climbs in over me, stepping on my hand and yanking my hair in passing. No sweet apologies today; he’s focused on himself.
He sits across from me and the ride goes up and up and up and starts spinning wildly with a harsh creak of sounds. I look across at my son and see his face, suddenly full of fear and uncertainty.
I let go of my white-knuckled grip on the safety bars, all sense of stability and control slipping through my fingers as I put my hands on either side of his face. I tell him to quiet his heart, to not be afraid, to look into my eyes, to focus on my love. He does so and lets go too, reaches up and puts his hands over mine.
The world around fades away, as calmness descends, and we are no longer aware of anything going on outside our little cocoon of momma-son love and trust. I don’t care or even notice that people are starting to stare at the momma and son who have let go, who are not hanging on to anything but each other
{and faith.}
I stare into his eyes, watching the fear slip away and his face start to shine with happiness. I catch my breath as God whispers to me
This…
THIS…
is where joy lives.
Tears start to fall as joy overwhelms me; fills me with wonder at the picture God is painting on the hearts of myself and my son and everyone watching.
The ride slows and jolts to a stop, the world snaps back into focus with a blast of color and light and sound. I wipe my face as we stumble out, laughing at my awkwardness in getting out while holding his
{and His}
hand, ready to rush on to the next adventure together.
As we move on, I can’t help but wonder if this is how God feels when we let go of our imagined control, let the chaotic world around us fall away, put our hands on His face, and focus on His hands wrapped around ours.
He whispers again
Yes, my sweet child, this…
THIS…
is where joy lives.
I smile at my God, thankful for the lesson, humbled by the reminder, forever changed by His love, and start to walk down the narrow path again.
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Thank you for sharing!! Reading your story of the moment you shared with your son and with Him, brought tears to my eyes. I need to learn to let go and let God have that kind of control.
Lindsey, this is INCREDIBLY powerful – filed with emotion after reading this. What a beautiful picture of two important relationships in our lives as boy moms. Absolutely beautiful – I feel like I was there.
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Thank you for sharing this little piece of your heart with us. Sometimes it is easy to focus on ourselves, thank you for re-focusing me through your story.
This is such a beautiful picture Lindsey…don’t you just love the teachable moments all around us!
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Reading your story also brought tears to my eyes as well. Facing such a tough challenge with love and faith shows just how very strong you are. God provided you with an incident to show you and your son how letting go and trusting is what we need to do sometimes.
Thank you for sharing with us your story and I wish you many blessings.
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Thank you for sharing your struggle with ADHD. My 4 year old recently was diagnosed with asperger’s/ADHD. Some days are really hard. I am encouraged to know that there are other moms who are going through the same thing as me! May God richly bless you and your son’s life as you travel the narrow road.
Thank you for sharing this moment with us. It’s hard when our children get lost in their own world. When we want to touch them but they are just out of reach. My daughter had Rett Syndrome and autism was one if the symtoms they were days it broke my heart and I would ask God does she know how much I love her. Then God would allow me to see the beauty of true love. The joy in our hearts. It warms my heart to read this, to share in one of those moments with you. Xxxx
This was a beautiful post. What a wonderful feeling when all that fear and chaos melt away and it’s just us (and God). Thank you for sharing this.
Kristy K´s last [type] ..The K Family Takes on Niagara Falls
This was just beautiful! I’m having one of those days with my children and it just brought tears to my eyes! Thanks for sharing and being so vulnerable with us all!
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Beautiful….simply beautiful. You are a gifted writer and a blessed mother. I hung on every word. Thank you for the gift of your words. I rejoice with you for that precious moment when God interrupted the routine moments to reveal His heart to you. May today stand as an altar of remembrance in the days to come of God’s faithfulness and love for you and your precious son. Continue walking that narrow road with the grace that God has poured out on you!
What a beautiful moment, Lindsey. It has me thinking about what snaps me out of my blah days with my boys. And maybe I need to work harder to make that happen myself…
Blessed by your words tonight.
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Wow. Such a powerful illustration!
I…well, I happened here because I went to post on my blog, saw I had a follower I hadn’t check out yet, followed it to your blog, and followed that to here. Thank you for following me, just for this purpose. I think that this site will minister to me and help me minister to my son.
God bless!