“BYE!” My boys took off for next door in a flash, to see if the neighbor girl could play, but they returned almost as quickly. “Katelyn’s mom said she can’t play.” I expected that. Katelyn’s parents don’t let them play with her very often, and she hasn’t been allowed to come over here in almost a year.
I have always known I wanted my sons to learn to play nicely with other kids, I just never thought their main teacher of restraint would be a girl the same age as my youngest son. It’s not that we aren’t teaching them manners, or that they’re little hoodlums. They aren’t. The issue is one of gender. Our experience with the boys playing with a girl have been very eye-opening– and we have girls! Katelyn gets hurt whenever they play together. Every. Single. Time.
The very first time she came over was about two years ago. That afternoon, the boys were hitting balls and rocks with an aluminum baseball bat. D1 was 7 and D2 was 5 at the time. Katelynn was also 5. She hadn’t been here ten minutes when I heard a scream, and looked out the window and saw her holding her head. Oh yes, my son had missed the rock when he swung the bat–and hit– her head. I walked her home with an ice pack on her head.
There have been so many times, and so many apologies. She has fallen off the swings, been hit with rocks, light sabres, and a basketball, skinned her knees–and hands, dirt in her eyes, and had her hand pinched in a gate. And every time something has happened, it HAS been an accident. The worst time was the last time. I imagine it was the final straw, as she hasn’t been over since. The boys decided to look for bugs under the top row of retaining wall bricks. Katelynn wanted to look for bugs too, of course. D1 accidentally dropped a 15# brick on her hand. She ran home and the boys came in and told me she went home, and it took some wrangling to find out why.
We had a talk about gentleness, about how girls can’t just take all the bumping and bruising that they can. And we prayed for Katelynn, that she wouldn’t be hurt. Then we went over to see how she was doing. Her mother thought her hand was broken. It was very swollen and she had it packed in ice. Great. I was so proud of my son though, with his gentle heart (even when he doesn’t PLAY gently). He had tears in his eyes as he gave her a hug and told her “I am so so so SO sorry that I dropped that brick on your hand. Please get better.”
My boys are learning accountability, gentleness and responsibility, all from playing with a girl. The best part about it though, is seeing the Lord make them compassionate as they do it. That part is priceless.
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I have a son who is 2 1/2 and a daughter who is 1. My son is a typical boy in that he has cars in hand at all times, loves playing soccer and scrapped knees from falling down while running around. However when it comes to his sister – he is very gentle, when she cries he strokes her hair to make her feel better and when he hurts her then he always says sorry and give kisses. I think that we have forgotten that it is ok for boys to run around and scream at the top of their lungs and rough play and I want my daughter to be in the middle of the rough play but if and when she does get hurt then I want my son to be the one to comfort her.
My boys aren’t very old but I imagine some of these same scenarios are in my future. For now, my older guy is BIG for his age. He looks 4 and isn’t quite 3 (in a week). He is very gentle with other kids. I don’t know if he knows how big he is or what, but his biggest thing is that he loves to hug. He’ll run at another kid for a hug and has knocked a few down. Luckily no one has been hurt. However, he is not all gentle giant as his little brother finds out multiple times a day. He gets dragged down by his onesie too often (he’s almost a year old but a little guy). I’m sure there’s a proper balance between gentle and rough play.
S Club Mama´s last [type] ..food for thought…
My oldest (6) is a girl. She plays as rough as the boys (nearly 4 and nearly 2) when they play together. When they go out and play with the neighbour kids she automatically is gentler, but the boys don’t seem to get that they can’t play as rough with other girls. So, yes, we’re struggling with this… making slow progress though!
See, there’s the difference. Girls with brothers definitely LEARN to play with boys! Katelyn has a younger sister and that’s it. She’s used to calling the shots with her, but when she does it with my boys she simply can’t keep up.
Dawn´s last [type] ..I’m Playing at the MOB Society Today
I haven’t really had this problem surprisingly. Both my boys tend to have more friends who are girls too. Have since they were really small…and they don’t play gentle so it’s not like there isn’t oppurtunity LOL… Maybe they pick tougher girls to hang out with. Though I have also noticed they both tend to let the girl lead when they are playing with girls (more so than they do when they are playing with other boys) We havemore accidents when they are playing with other boys than when they play with their female friends.
My girls will look at other boys as if they are weird creatures. Or they will think they are mean bullies. I have to explain that sometimes boys are just BOYS. They may not be mean, but they are just rougher and wilder than girls. Now that their 2 yr old brother can make them run and scream in terror, I think they are starting to learn. He’s not a bully, but just a boy. And of course if you can make a girl scream it’s just more fun!
You mean boys aren’t weird creatures?
I do think our girls’ view of boys and how they play changed a lot after they had little brothers. They got an totally different view of them than of their older brother and his friends. Not that they don’t try to make them run and scream! hehe
It’s amazing how different boys and girls are. It sometimes comes down to how they are being raised. Girls are def different. My youngest is a girl, she has 3 older brothers. Where I know she is differnt in gender and there will be a time when I we will sit and talk about things, right now she is rough along with her brothers.
What a great time to take your boys aside and talk to them about it.
Love seeing the compasion so early. That is a gift from the Lord! Keep praying for your boys in that area. It will come in handy when they are grown up! 
Stephanie´s last [type] ..Beef/Lamb Burger
I agree! They are both very compassionate, and I’m working to build that into them more every day.
I can SO relate to this! There is a little girl my boys play with sometimes who seems to end up broken or bleeding in some way every time we play. One time my oldest actually hit her with a toy and busted her lip. We haven’t been invited over to their house since that incident and it was over 2 years ago…
If I can be honest here I’ll just say this: This particular issue has caused me a lot of rejection. We were very close to this family until this happened and then they pretty much just dropped us. It hurts.
Girl moms…please understand the difference between boys and girls and don’t dismiss our boys just because they’re more physical and have to learn to control themselves in different ways. I’m not abdicating our responsibility to train our boys…we are doing that…just asking for grace from you in the training.
Brooke McGlothlin´s last [type] ..Nothing, nothing of worth to say…a poem of nothingness.
I wholeheartedly agree! We aren’t raising our boys to be girls, but we are raising them to learn gentleness and compassion FOR girls. Give us a little leeway please?
Dawn´s last [type] ..I’m Playing at the MOB Society Today
totally agree–and that grace is so needed in many aspects of raising a boy!
tiny twig´s last [type] ..M26 :: Inspiration for Re-Thinking Stuff
My son is two and we’re trying to teach him to be gentle with girls. The problem is that Mommy, Mamaw, TiTi (his aunt) and a couple of his older girl cousins all like to play rough. I think it’s OK sometimes, but the lesson of “be gentle with girls” is still one we teach. Although, maybe we should reword it to say “be more gentle with girls than boys.”
Sheena´s last [type] ..Muffin Tin Monday
I have two boys (9 & 7) and a girl (6), and this kind of thing happens for us all.the.time. I was blessed with great neighbors who also had a son and a daughter, and “got it” – and right or wrong, we encouraged the girls to not let their gender be an excuse. Accidents happen, and as long as there is no malicious intent on anyone’s part, we’re good with that. I want my daughter to be comfortable with her strength within her femininity, and my sons to understand that not all girls are like their sister.
Frankly, it’s sad to me that some parents will discourage kids from playing together because of an accident like those mentioned above. They’re great learning opportunities (chances to talk about how much space you need to make sure you have around you BEFORE swinging the bat for example – we’ve SOOOO been there!) and any parent who thinks they can protect their kids from injury is, in my opinion, a little delusional. Yes, we can reduce risks. Yes, we can teach them good habits. But we also have to allow kids to be kids, and take the bumps, bruises, stitches and broken bones that go with it!
Yes, yes, yes!!
Well, maybe I’m just not here yet. My son is 4 & my stepdaughter is 5. We only recently got full-time custody of her (in the last couple months), but even when we just had visitation, we had to protect HIM from HER. She is just a full-throttle bulldozer in all that she does & he is very cautious.
There are other boy/girl issues, but it has more to do with teasing & saying “gross” words like Pee & Poop while she’s eating. We’re working on him being more gentle with girls’ feelings rather than actual physical gentleness.
WTH am I Doing´s last [type] ..10 commandments of childhood
good insight! i need to file that away in my mental rolodex…
tiny twig´s last [type] ..M26 :: Inspiration for Re-Thinking Stuff
OH YES good point! I’m not sure it’s possible to have boys without having all of their sounds… the noisy ones AND the gross. Good thing to remember.
Dawn´s last [type] ..I’m Playing at the MOB Society Today
our youth leader has 4 girls…it is very apparent that she is all but anti boy…..would hate to be her son in law. Boys are different….not bad….just different. Moms of girls should teach their daughters how to play with boys….all she is teaching them by not allowing them to play with your boys is they have cooties etc…
Katey Kautz´s last [type] ..Simple Woman’s Daybook
tiny twig´s last [type] ..M26 :: Inspiration for Re-Thinking Stuff
I only have girls, so boys are a different ball game for me. Yesterday I watched 3 boys playing in the pool while their moms went inside for a few minutes (my girl was inside with the other girls.) I noticed that one boy was playing really rough with the others, and I gently tried to get him to stop (not my kid, so was trying to be careful here.) Then I had an AHA! moment and decided that if the other boys weren’t complaining and were even enjoying the play, then it was OK to let them play that way. It was interesting for me to watch and learn. I’m trying to understand that this is how warriors and protectors are made.
Thank you Lynn!
Brooke McGlothlin´s last [type] ..Nothing, nothing of worth to say…a poem of nothingness.
So true, so true…I just have to cover my eyes though…rough and tough can sometimes be scary for mommy.
Also, I think as mothers of girls, we need to teach our girls not to be so “prissy” that they can’t enjoy bugs, dirt, camping, baseball, etc. My girl loves to be the knight as much as the princess, explore for bugs, hike in the dirt, etc. as much as play with dolls and paint her fingernails. And I love that about her!
Hi Dawn,
I loved your post. We have four boys and one girl. I do find that the boys naturally play harder than Hosanna and we always have to remind them to be gentle. It has been very interesting watching the differences between the twins (boy/girl). They are very different and it was not something we taught them at all.
Blessings
Honey
I am seeing my boys learn this as they play with their 2 year old sister. My just-turned-7 year old especially. When he plays with her I see a side of him I didn’t previously know existed! He is by FAR the most “rambunctious” of our brood and I am sure would leap from rooftop to rooftop with a mighty yawp—if I’d let him:P
And yet he’ll sit and play kitchen or read her books so sweetly. It amazes me.
<3
Sara Sophia´s last [type] ..Father Daughter
My boys have some string-willed girls as friends so this doesn’t show as much with them, but when they are around babies, their gentleness shines through. It is so precious!
Erin M.´s last [type] ..Pink
I have 3 boys, on a neighborhood of all girls. The kids all play like they’re brothers & sisters, with the girls trying to 1-up my boys.
I am putting this out there as gently as possible, but maybe Katelyn’s parents don’t let her come over because they don’t feel the play is supervised enough? Maybe invite the parents over, too?
Some battles are worth letting go, though. My best friend growing up was ALWAYS hurt. Bruises equaled broken leg, every wrist ache needed a splint, etc. Now, I’ve seen some boys like this, but I always thought this is due to parents who react to every little bump & bruise. And as we know, most parents react differently to their boy falling down (Don’t cry, walk it off! or even:Why were you doing that in the 1st place, dummy? lol) versus their daughters falling down (Awww, I know it hurts, let’s play inside). Certainly an interesting aspect of nature v nurture to think about.
Great words for thought…thank you for sharing. My boy has just turned 3 and while the “wild side” has just started to show, I have been very adamant about teaching him compassion and gentleness towards others (especially girls). Sometimes the hardest part of this is teaching my husband that this too is an important component to their personality, especially when the girl can be rough and tough too. Thanks for reminding me that the differences are there and the lessons never stop.